Bullying in the Community

Thousands of children fear going to school each day because they know they will be tormented and humiliated by a bully. According to an on line research study, a different child is bullied every seven minutes (www.stopbullyingnow.com). Bullies are other children that taunt the weaker kids, to prove their own sense of worth. What does a bully look like? They look like the victim, but are usually more aggressive toward his or her peers and adults. They are easily angered and impulsive.

The popular belief is that the bully is of low self esteem and very insecure. This is not true as most bullies are just the opposite. They have little trouble making friends and are often in the “cool” crowd of their peers. They exhibit inappropriate behaviors such as drinking and have little respect for people and their property. Often, these acts of violence toward others are just an antecedent to bigger problems they will run into as an adult. Bullies are 4 times more likely to be convicted of a crime by the time they are 24 years of age than their non –bullying peers (www.safeyouth.org). Many times the bullying that starts with taunting smaller children on the playground turns into gang activity, aggravation in the workplace and jail time.
Whether the victim of bullying is weaker, physically or psychologically, bullying leaves its mark, sometimes permanently. There are countless web sites of documented cases in which bullied children and teens committed suicide. Approximately 5000 suicide deaths per year are children ages 5-14. Most are due to depression caused by bullying and the fear that it will never end (www.jaredsstory.co). According to www.bullying.org, bullying is a conscious, willful, intentional, aggressive act that is inflicted by one or more persons intending to cause physical, psychological or emotion harm. Bullying behaviors can be in may forms such as verbal taunts, physical assaults, extortion of money (the old bullying standard “Give me your lunch money or else!”), public humiliation and intimidation (www.bullying.org).

As a new student and 6th grader in Connecticut, I was dubbed the “Colorado Creep” by some bullies in the school. My right to enjoy or at least partake in a Free and Appropriate Education were denied when I had to defend myself daily from a small group of despiteful, biased children. Whether it was name calling, peer exclusion or just throwing my purse across the room, the teacher never seemed to notice. I would look at her pleadingly, hoping that no one saw the tears, but she continually ignored my troubles.

More often than physical abuse, verbal bullying may have long term affects on the child. Bullies often force the other child to be excluded from peer groups. Barbara Coloroso writes that Bullying is not an anger issue but an issue of contempt. When the bully feels a strong dislike toward his or her intended victim, they go to such efforts to make the child feel inferior and worthless (The Bully, the bullied and the Bystander: How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle, Pub. Harper Collins.)

Typically, children that are bullied show some signs of the abuse. They tend to be withdrawn, cry easily, have a drop in grades, fear going to school and may have physical signs of abuse. Recently, my 6 year old daughter complained of fatigue and stomach aches. At first I thought she wasn’t getting enough sleep at night but after talking to the teacher and the school counselor, I found out that two children had been threatening her on the playground. Even a kindergartener dreads the few minutes they receive of playtime.

Many parents believe that bullying is a stage of growth. Bullying isn’t a normal stage of childhood or adolescence. There is nothing normal about taking away a child’s liberties, causing them anxiety and making them feel inferior. It is not socially acceptable and people that bully know that it is undesirable behavior. It is compassion and remorse the bully lacks that permits them to believe that they are not committing intolerable acts. When children are being bullying they should alert an adult as most bullying occurs out of the teacher’s or parent’s sight.

While research implies that over half of school-age children have been bullied (www.antibullying.net), many times these children feel that telling on the bully will only make things worse. When adults and peers get involved, bullying stops in most cases (bullying.org.)The parent should call the school immediately and keep notes as to the names of those bullying and dates and places where it took place. Bullying is not a congenital issue. It is a learned behavior that can be stopped.

Bullying is not just a school concern. Many times the one doing the bullying takes it farther than the school grounds; to work, home and in the community, not only by means of verbal or physical threats, but in the form of sexual and/or racial harassment. Not only teachers and parents, but society should deal with bullies as a whole. Adults have to model to children and talk openly about the short term and long term affects of bullying. Public service announcements should be made by local television stations during peak watch times and doing children’s programming.
As an 11 year old in Colorado, I was bullied in a catholic school because I was Baptist, and I cried almost daily, dreading the next school day. I would hide from the kids that bullied me, missing my recess. A time that should be spent playing with friends was spent crouching behind bushes and prickly shrubs praying I wouldn’t be seen by a large number of girls that would hold me down while the “leader of the pack” circled me with name calling. A very tall girl held my arms while others kicked me. I remember feeling let down when telling the teacher my fears. Her solution to my problem was always, “Go play and ignore them.” I felt completely unprotected and disappointed by the people that were supposed to be grown up. I was continually bullied through my freshman year of middle school. I often wondered “why me?” I know I wasn’t outgoing, but I certainly wasn’t an introvert. My parents didn’t buy the latest clothing for me, so my popularity was stunted fashion-wise. That could have been an issue. We moved around a lot so I was always the “new kid” in school. I never had the chance to establish my possibly, potential coolness with my peers.

When I was in the 8th grade, I was picked on by a girl by the name of Jeanette XXXXX. I can’t even remember my best friend’s first name, yet I remember my bully’s full name! To this day, even saying her name makes me nauseated and incensed. She had no right to make me so miserable. I remember every inch of what she looked like. Her brown boots that I was afraid of, because they were often kicking me, were old and dusty. She had 2 girls that followed her around. I called them her “Hench girls”. They never spoke out of turn. They only laughed and nodded when Jeanette tormented me in front of my peers. Why couldn’t she wait until no one was around to call me names or kick me, throw rocks at me? I vividly remember running home from the bus stop on many days to avoid being pelted by icy snowballs in the winter. One warmer day I walked out onto the field behind my school with a friend. Behind me, I heard footsteps and as a turned around Jeanette and her girls approached me. Jeanette said, “Farrah,” (I had long curly hair so she dubbed me Farrah as a joke, after one of Charlie’s Angels), “hold my coat.” She threw her coat my way, but I stood my ground and let it drop to the dusty soil. She was furious, but completely dismayed! She yelled at me and demanded that I “pick it up now!” I said, “You do it.” She picked it up, blaming me for a hole in the arm area, but I told her I didn’t do it. I stood there staring at her, my heart pounding and my jaw clenched. I didn’t care if she punched me or kicked me. I wasn’t going to budge. I was tired of her reign. She turned and walked away from me. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have my nose still intact! My friend had been watching, of course, and was so proud of me that she hugged me right there on school grounds. She had defended me to this girl before and wanted me to stand up to her. Jeanette never bothered me again. Months of hiding, of being afraid, and I was now free of this bully.

Many times, though, standing up to a bully isn’t always the best solution. Things can go wrong and the victim may be hurt physically, as the problem remains unsolved with the bully more aggravated than before. Most school districts have evoked no tolerance policies concerning bullying. Some schools have developed anti-bullying committees. As a community, we need to call on police, social assistance personnel, the chamber of commerce and local assembly people to build committees to come up with ways prevent bullying. The boards already in place hold meetings, send flyers and educate the children, parents and district staff about bullying. Anti-bullying organizations need to come up with ways to make the public aware of the problem through research and discussion.

Anonymous surveys can be distributed within the community to get the ideas and beliefs from people concerning issues of bullying. The agencies should send the message that bullying is wrong, is an intolerable act on an individual and infringes the rights of the victim. The Committee should outline a plan how the bullying can be prevented and what to do when a case arises. Before applying the strategies developed, the school staff needs to assess a particular situation of bullying.

Counselors within the district need to be trained to complete the task of approaching a negative situation or else strategies used may fail (antibullying.net).
Several strategies for successful anti-bullying are:

• Punishments: While I believe temporarily suspending a student may send a message that intolerable acts of violence in any form are not acceptable, I have an issue with expulsion. Expelling a child from school puts them at risk for unsupervised activities and may only make the situation worse.

• Counseling: Only those persons trained to deal with bullying situations should be in a counseling position to successfully deal with this issue. Untrained personnel sets the program up for certain failure. A person that consistently bullies may have many underlying problems for doing so and these issues need to be addressed in order to have a successful resolution.

• Mediation: Having a trained third party assist in negotiations may be of some help, unless the bully refuses this form of strategy and has no interest in ending the bullying.

• Peer Counseling: Highs school students counseling middle school children appeals to me. The younger kids look up to the older kids so as the high schoolers role model for these children, I feel that this could have a positive outcome.

• Bully Boxes (antibullying net): Children can, anonymously, write their concerns on pieces of paper and put into a box to be discussed among staff members.

• Safe rooms (one that I might have benefited from): Schools set up rooms where children that are bullied can go during breaks or lunchtime. Although, only an “out” for the one being bullied, it would provide a break from the tormenter temporarily.

• Monitoring: The teacher must effectively monitor the actions of the children in the classroom. This also goes for parents at home and workers in daycare settings.

According to antibullying.net, there are two types of victims: the passive victim and the reactive victim. My 9 year old daughter is a passive victim of bullying. She cries, and withdraws from the situation. She does not fight back. My 12 year old tends to be a reactive victim. She isn’t so malicious that she is a bully herself but retaliates when bullied then finds someone younger or weaker than her to bully. I think this makes her look more aggressive than weak in the bully’s eyes and his or her attention is reverted. That is only my theory from experience as a bullied child and a mother of bullied children.

Victims of peer abuse tend to have more health problems, have long term psychological issues and report greater fear and anxiety in social situations. Looking at the site www.kidpower.org, you will find many different ways to educate children about dealing with and abstaining from bullying. They teach grade school and middle school age children how to “be aware” of their surroundings, how to act with confidence, and how to take charge” by removing themselves from a potentially dangerous situation. KidPower also shows adults how to role model situations with their children to help them be more aware.

Assertiveness is a key element in avoiding a bully. Children that hold their heads up high and carry themselves with confidence can actually discourage bullies. Children should be asked questions about whether or not they bully other children, such as have they ever called another child names? Have they ever spread a rumor about another child? What would you do if you saw someone being bullied? Would you tell an adult if you witnessed another being bullied? Family workshops are also available through kidspower.org. Role modeling techniques are imperative and may be effective for any age.

Teaching a young child the negative affects of bullying at an early age helps them cope with bullying issues they may encounter in their classroom.
In addition to education, the children should know that it is okay to go to an adult in a potentially dangerous circumstance. Children that do not have adults to role model, and become bullies, have failed to learn how to control their emotions and connect effectively with their peers. These skills are a necessary part of adulthood, because without interference, the bully lacks emotional advancement and does not develop compassion for others. A bully never really learns to develop good relationships and usually blames others for their problems. Adults that bullied usually have children that bully others. Without education and cooperation of the community to control bullying, the cycle will not be broken.

Bullying affects everyone involved. Witnesses to bullying incidents report that they feel helpless in protecting a classmate being bullied. They feel guilt and remorse in not reporting the incident. Some witnesses feel that they will be a victim of the one bullying if they interfere (www.safeyouth.org). Taking legal action against a bully may be an option for an adult, but for a parent to sue the school or the parents of the one responsible for the abusive actions, there may be consequences for the victim. The child may return to school to be ridiculed and further bullied for “tattling.”

Another, less rational halt to bullying, would be moving from the district. Although, I wouldn’t recommend this as an educator, it did work in my case. After my 8th grade, my father changed jobs and we moved from New Mexico to Missouri. Soon, the bullying resumed with name calling and intimidation. How could they possibly know hundreds of miles away that I was called Farrah by the bullies before? Soon after the move, my grades slipped dramatically and I developed health problems such as stomach aches, headaches and even had fainting spells on school mornings. My attendance was so poor that my grade point average plunged to a D-. Again, we moved to a town about 15 miles away. I thought it was due to my dad’s job until I over heard my parents arguing about me, the new school and my lack of friends. The bullying stopped with this new school. For some strange reason, no one cared that I had blonde, curly hair, that I was a bit shy and that I didn’t wear the latest trends on my back. I was released from the restraints of torment that I had endured for the last 3 plus years. I remember actually smiling again on school mornings, almost with tears in my eyes.

Bottom line, it is the job of the community to see that every child and every adult not be put into a situation where they are physically, psychologically or socially violated. With education and unity, we can make an effort to eradicate bullying. It is society’s job to let the bully know that it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated under any circumstance or there will be consequences. We have to communicate to our children that it is important to play, run, laugh and have positive peer interaction. Childhood should be spent enjoying life, not fearing it while hiding in the bushes from a bully.